On reflection and becoming comfortable with critical work

I have to admit that I felt my presentation last week went poorly. I am actually quite secure in my theoretical frames and approaches, and know that modifications to these must be met with new readings and new ways of thinking by me. In fact, I enjoy that type of work and thinking. Rather, my insecurities stem from my work with the teachers in Connersville. In stark contrast to the democratic and egalitarian relationship I have developed with the former teacher and now principal I first worked with last year, these teachers had me thrust upon them along with a new principal and a bunch of demands to integrate technology into their classrooms. I'm not sure I was fully aware of that as I worked with them this year. Now, I want to give myself as much credit as possible here, so I need to acknowledge that I went in to the first semester concerned they would feel I was pushed on them, so I quietly observed a few classes and I set myself up in a neutral location for them to come and chat with me if they wanted. This semester we shifted to discussion groups because so many of them had talked about feeling isolated and perturbed by technology. I offered discussion groups as an option, with a survey sent out to see if a) they wanted to participate and b) what they might want to get out of such groups. So, this is all to say, that I did take into account that they did not ask for me to be in their school and classrooms and lives.

But, when I read the data I presented on last week I see flowing out behind my words, standing behind me, the thrust of unwanted demands on their time, bodies and knowledge. In particular, I am struck by how my words (Yeah, I know. (laughs) So what they're doing is not anything you guys couldn't do. Whatever tools they have, you guys have the same ones. And it sounds like similar. Isn't somebody studying butterflies, or frogs?) not only draw from those discourses of requirement but also don't even draw from my own theoretical conceptions of digital tools! How did this happen? And what reflective process can I engage in to resituate myself and do better? I also want to be sure I am not reading too much power into my own talk. I worry that I am too obsessed with reflection and my own practice as a researcher to be a particularly good one when it comes to my integration within data. And then I worry that without acknowledgement of this integration research isn't real or rigorous enough. I just can't figure out how to account for impacts on the discourse by my talk and presence without feeling constantly as if I am harming others. 

The reading for this week on identity in discourse felt particularly interesting. I wonder if spending time on identity construction in analysis could further reconnect me to how the teachers orient to one another and to me, without focusing solely on my own role. I think this will also tie into my questions about ways that teachers are resisting and reconstructing their own futures in discourse. That's where I am now, and I hope to have a much more solid grasp on these pieces in the next few days.